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Some humor...
U.S. to begin bombing England!
An anti-suffrage monologue
Sailing Lesson
Stalked by Martha Stewart?
The Revised Non-Standard Bible
You might be a Yankee if...
Preparing for your first mammogram
Excerpts from letters to landlords
Bathing the Cat
Codependent's Checklist
Fundamentalist Christian Dog
Memo to Employees
Bruce Stroganoff
Student Bloopers
Southern Windows 98
The Man Test
The Genie
Camping Tips
Cost-Saving Initiatives at the Medical Center

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UNITED STATES TO BEGIN BOMBING ENGLAND UNLESS PEACE ACCORD IS RATIFIED BY ENGLAND AND BREAK-AWAY PROVINCE OF NORTHERN IRELAND
The White House -- President Clinton announced today that an all out bombing offensive against England will begin in two weeks, unless a peace accord is ratified by England and its break-away province of Northern Ireland. Along with liberating Northern Ireland, the President said that all British culinary institutes would be fair game for bombing.
After the attack, NATO peace keeping troops will be sent in to ensure that all dentists can operate safely and without the threat of attack.
"Using the fine logic we crafted in the Kosovo intervention, we have decided to add, incrementally, to the list of peace initiatives around the world," he said in a prepared statement.
A background briefing indicated that on a weekly schedule, the Clinton administration would intervene in the following areas:
WEEK ONE -- Bombing of England to free Northern Ireland, and to destroy the legendarily bad cuisine fabrication facilities.
WEEK TWO -- Bombing of Ankara, Baghdad and Teheran to free the Kurds. (Oh yeah, let�s not forget all of the oil reserves we would gain.)
WEEK THREE -- Bombing of several random African countries to stop the Hutus from killing Tutsis.
WEEK FOUR -- Bombing of both Istanbul and Athens to solve the Cyprus problem, and end the argument over whether Socrates was actually homosexual or not.
WEEK FIVE -- Bombing of Madrid to free the Basque Country, also to shut up the people at PETA because one target would be the bull fighting rings.
WEEK SIX -- Bombing of Ottawa to free the Quebecois.
WEEK SEVEN -- Bombing of Jakarta to free the Timor Islands.
WEEK EIGHT -- Bombing of Switzerland because it is due time that they were bullied.
WEEK NINE -- Bombing of Paris to free Corsica, and those wishing to use deodorant and razors.
WEEK TEN -- Bombing of Washington, D.C. to free the Confederate of Southern States, held captive for 139 years, and to free up more Senate seats for Hillary to possibly run for.
WEEK ELEVEN -- Bombing of North Dakota so that South Dakota might finally be recognized as a "real" state.
"This schedule will do until we can come up with others," said Madeline Albright, Secretary of State.
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An Anti-Suffrage Monologue
by Marie Jenney Howe (c. 1871 - 1934)

Please do not think of me as old-fashioned. I pride myself on being a modern up-to-date woman. I believe in all kinds of broad-mindedness, only I do not believe in woman suffrage because to do that would be to deny my sex.
Woman suffrage is the reform against nature. Look at these ladies sitting on the platform. Observe their physical inability, their mental disability, their spiritual instability and general debility! Could they walk up to the ballot box, mark a ballot, and drop it in? Obviously not. Let us grant for the sake of argument that they could mark a ballot. But could they drop it in? Ah, no. All nature is against it. The laws of man cry out against it. The voice of God cries out against it - and so do I.
Enfranchisement is what makes man man. Disenfranchisement is what makes woman woman. If women were enfranchised every man would be just like every woman and every woman would be just like every man. There would be no difference between them. And don�t you think this would rob life of just a little of its poetry and romance?
Man must remain man. Woman must remain woman. If man goes over and tries to be like woman, if woman goes over and tries to be like man, it will become so very confusing and so difficult to explain to our children. Let us take a practical example. If a woman puts on a man�s coat and trousers, takes a man�s cane and hat and cigar, and goes out on the street, what will happen to her? She will be arrested and thrown into jail. Then why not stay at home?
I know you begin to see how strongly I feel on the subject, but I have some reasons as well. These reasons are based on logic. Of course I am not logical. I am a creature of impulse, instinct, and intuition - and I glory in it. But I know that these reasons are based on logic because I have culled them from the man whom it is my privilege to know.
My first argument against suffrage is that the women would not use it if they had it. You couldn�t drive them to the polls. My second argument is, if the women were enfranchised they would neglect their homes, desert their families, and spend all their time at the polls. You may tell me that the polls are only open once a year. But I know women. They are creatures of habit. If you let them go to the polls once a year, they will hang round the polls all the rest of the time.
I have arranged these arguments in couplets. They go together in such a way that if you don�t like the one you can take the other. This is my second anti-suffrage couplet. If the women were enfranchised they would vote exactly as their husbands do and only double the existing vote. Do you like that argument? If not, take this one. If the women were enfranchised they would vote against their own husbands, thus creating dissension, family quarrels, and divorce.
My third anti-suffrage couplet is - women are angels. Many men call me an angel and I have a strong instinct which tells me it is true; that is why I am anti-, because �I want to be an angel, and with the angels I stand.� And if you don�t like that argument take this one. Women are depraved. They would introduce in to politics a vicious element which would ruin our national life.
Fourth anti-suffrage couplet: women cannot understand politics. Therefore there would be no use in giving women political power, because they would not know what to do with it. On the other hand, if the women were enfranchised, they would mount rapidly into power, take all the offices from all the men, and soon we would have women governors of all our states and dozens of women acting as President of the United States.
Fifth anti-suffrage couplet: women cannot band together. They are incapable of organization. No two women can even be friends. Women are cats. On the other hand, if women were enfranchised, we would have all the women banding together on one side, and there would follow a sex war which might end in bloody revolution.
Just one more of my little couplets: the ballot is greatly overestimated. It has never done anything for anybody. Lots of men tell me this. And the corresponding argument is - the ballot is what makes man man. It is what gives him all his dignity and all of his superiority to women. Therefore if we allow women to share this privilege, how could a woman look up to her own husband? Why there would be nothing to look up to.
I have talked to many woman suffragists and I find them very unreasonable. I say to them: �Here I am, convince me.� I ask for proof. Then they proceed to tell me of Australia and Colorado and other places where women have passed excellent laws to improve the condition of working women and children. But I say, What of it?� These are facts. I don�t care about facts. I ask for proof.
Then they quote the eight million women of the United States who are now supporting themselves, and the twenty-five thousand married women in the City of New York who are self-supporting. But I say again, what of it? These are statistics. I don�t believe in statistics. Facts and statistics are things which no truly womanly woman would ever use.
I wish to prove anti-suffrage is a womanly way - that is, by personal example. This is my method of persuasion. Once I saw a woman driving a horse, and the horse ran away with hers. Isn�t that just like a woman? Once I read in the newspapers about a woman whose house caught on fire, and she threw the children out of the window and carried the pillows downstairs. Does that show political acumen, or does it not? Besides, look at the hats that women wear! And have you ever known a successful woman governor of a state? Or have you ever known a really truly successful woman president of the Untied States? Well, if they could they would, wouldn�t they? Then, if they haven�t doesn�t that show they couldn�t? As for the militant suffragettes, they are all hyenas is petticoats. Now do you want to be a hyena and wear petticoats?
Now, I think I have proved anti-suffrage; and I have done it in a womanly way - that is, without stooping to the use of a single fact or argument or a single statistic.
I am the prophet of a new idea. No one has ever thought of it or heard of it before. I well remember when this great idea first came to me. It waked me in the middle of the night with s shock that gave me a headache. This is it: a woman�s place is in the home. Is it not beautiful as it is new, new as it is true? Take this idea away with you. You will find it very helpful in your daily lives. You may not grasp it just at first, but you will gradually grow into understanding of it.
I know the suffragists reply that all our activities have been taken out of the home. The baking, the washing, the weaving, the spinning are all long since taken out of the home. But I say, all the more reason that something should stay in the home. Let it be woman. Besides, think of the great modern invention, the telephone. That has been put into the home. Let woman stay at home and answer the telephone.
We antis have so much imagination! Sometimes it seems to us that we can hear the little babies in the slums crying to us. We can see the children in factories and mines reaching out their little hands to us, and the working women in the sweated industries, the underpaid, underfed women, reaching out their arms to us - all, all crying, as in one voice, �Save us, save us from Woman Suffrage.� Well, may they make this appeal to us, for who know what woman suffrage might not do for such as these. I might even alter the conditions under which they live.
We antis do not believe that any conditions should be altered. We want everything to remain just as it is. All is for the best. Whatever is, is right. If misery is in the world, God has put it there; let it remain. If this misery presses harder on some women than others, it is because they need discipline. Of course I am only a weak, ignorant woman. But there is one thing I do understand from the ground up, and that is the divine intention toward women. I know that the divine intention toward woman is, let her remain at home.
The great trouble with suffragists is this: they interfere too much. They are always interfering. Let me take a practical example.
There is in the City of New York a Nurses� Settlement, where sixty trained nurses go forth to care for sick babies and give them pure milk. Last summer only two or three babies died in this slum district around the Nurses� Settlement, whereas formerly hundreds of babies have died there every summer. Now what are these women doing? Interfering, interfering with the death rate! And what is their motive in so doing? They seek notoriety. They want to be noticed. They are trying to show off. And if sixty women who merely believe in suffrage behave in this way, what may we expect when all women are enfranchised!
What ought these women to do with their lives? Each one ought to be devoting herself to the comfort of some man. You may say, they are not married. But I answer, let them try a little harder and they might find some kind of man to devote themselves to . What does the Bible say on this subject? It says, �Seek and ye shall find.� Besides, when I look around me at the men, I feel that God never meant us women to be too particular.
Let me speak one word to my sister women who are here to-day. Women, we don�t need to vote in order to get our own way. Don�t misunderstand me. Of course I want you to get your own way. That�s what we�re here for. But do it indirectly. If you want a thing, tease. If that doesn�t work, nag. If that doesn�t do, cry - crying always brings them around. Get what you want. Pound pillows. Make a scene, Make home a hell on earth, but do it in a womanly way. That is so much more dignified and refined than walking up to a ballot box and dropping in a piece of paper. Can�t you see that?
Let us consider for a moment the effect of woman�s enfranchisement on man. I think some one ought to consider the men. What makes husbands faithful and loving? The ballot, and the monopoly of the privilege. If women vote, what will become of men? They will all slink off drunk and disorderly. We antis understand men. If women were enfranchised, men would revert to their natural instincts such as regicide, matricide, patricide, and race- suicide. Do you believe in race-suicide or do you not? Then, isn�t it our duty to refrain from a thing that would lure men to destruction?
It comes down to this. Someone must wash the dishes. Now, would you expect man, man made in the image of God, to roll up his sleeves and wash the dishes? Why, it would be blasphemy. I know that I am but a rib and so I wash the dishes. Or I hire another rib to do it for me, which amounts to the same thing.
Let us consider the argument from the standpoint of religion. The Bible says, �Let the women keep silent in the churches.� Paul says, �Let them keep their hats on for fear of the angels.� My minister says, �Wives, obey your husbands.� And my husband says that woman suffrage would rob the rose of its fragrance and the peach of its bloom. I think that is so sweet.
Besides did George Washington ever say, �Votes for women�? No. Did the Emperor Kaiser Wilhelm ever say, �Votes for women�? No. Did Elijah, Elisha, Micah, Hezekiah, Obadiah, and Jeremiah ever say, �Votes for women�? No. Then that settles it.
I don�t want to be misunderstood in my reference to woman�s inability to vote. Of course she could get herself to the polls and lift a piece of paper. I don�t doubt that. What I refer to is the pressure on the brain, the effect of this mental strain on woman�s delicate nervous organization and on her highly wrought sensitive nature. Have you ever pictured to yourself Election Day with women voting? Can you imagine how women, having undergone this terrible ordeal, with their delicate systems all upset, will come out of the voting booths and be led away by policemen, and put into ambulances, while they are fainting and weeping, half laughing, half crying, and having fits upon the public highway? Don�t you think that if a woman is going to have a fit, it is far better for her to have it in the privacy of her own home?
And how shall I picture to you the terrors of the day after election? Divorce and death will rage unchecked, crime and contagious disease will stalk unbridled through the land. Oh, friends, on this subject I feel - I feel, so strongly that I can - not think!
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Sailing Lesson
1) Call seven friends Friday night, have them all meet you at your house at 7:00 A.M. tomorrow, sharp.
2) Have your friends clean your house.
3) After the house is clean, everyone wraps themselves from head to toe in plastic.
4) All eight of you cram together in the bathtub. Turn the shower on cold.
5) While yelling and swearing at your friends at the top of your voice, tear up $100 bills. Do this for six hours.
6) At the end of the six hours, everyone gets out of the bathtub and walks around the house, dripping wet.
7) Have all your friends clean your house again, then take them all out to dinner.
8) Invite them to come back next weekend and do it again.
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The Top Ten Signs That You�re Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
1. Twice this week you�ve been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.
3. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice
4. You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.
5. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.
6. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glaze, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce�
7. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice down spout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
8. That tell-tale lemon slice in the dog�s water bowl.
9. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they�re all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
10. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

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The Revised Nonstandard Bible
(It is truly astonishing what happens to Bible stories when they are retold by young scholars around the world.)
The Bible is full of many interesting caricatures. Michael Angelo painted them on the Sixteen Chapels.
The first five books of the Bible are Genesis, Exodus, Laxatives, Deuteronomy, and Numbers. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son? My punishment is greater than I can bare."
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. He built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. Saddam and Gomorrah were twins.
Abraham begat Isaac and Isaac begat Jacob and Jacob begat 12 partridges. God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Abraham took Isaac up the mountain to be circumcised. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother, Esau's birthmark. Esau was a man who wrote fables and sold his copyright for a mess of potash. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles. He slayed them by pulling down the pillows of the temple.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make beds without straw. Moses was an Egyptian who lived in a hark made of bulrushes. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. The Ninth Commandment is thou salt not bare faults witness.
Moses ate nothing but whales and manner for 40 years. He died before he ever reached Canada. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He wrote psalms. They are called psalms because he sang them while playing the harmonica. David also fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone with his wife in the desert. Then came Shadrach, Meshach, and To Bed We Go, and then Salome, who was a wicked woman who wore very few clothes and took them off when she danced before Harrods. Shadrach, Meshach, and Winnebago were thrown into a fiery furnace.
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager wrapped in waddling clothes. In the Gospel of Luke they named him Enamel. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was also a taximan. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He wrote the "B" Attitudes and explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." A Republican is a sinner mentioned in the New Testament.
Jesus was crucified on his way to Calgary. It was a miracle when he rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off the entrance.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony. The natives of Macedonia did not believe in Paul, so he got stoned.
Other Christians were condemned to death in large groups. They entered the arena to face wild lions singing hymns of praise in the name of the Father, the Son, and In-the-Hole-He-Goes. The Romans went to the coliseum to watch the Christians die for the fun of it. But, as Mel Brooks says, "The meek shall inherit the earth."
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You might be a Yankee if...
for breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
more than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.
none of your fur coats are homemade.
the farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neimann Marcus.
the last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
you believe that proper attire for a vacation in the South is a white sheet.
you call binoculars opera glasses.
you can't do your laundry without quarters.
you can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
you don�t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
you don�t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
you don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
you don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
you don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
you don't have bangs.
you don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
you don't know what a moon pie is.
you don't know what applique is.
you don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
you don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
you eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
you find it necessary to place iron bars on your windows.
you get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
you go to a street vendor to treat your coworkers to lunch.
you have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
you have no idea what a polecat is.
you keep the drapes drawn on sunny days.
you never, EVER eaten Okra.
you refer to your top step as "my front porch".
you show your girlfriend how much you care by giving her 10 free self-defense lessons and a can of mace.
you think a new refrigerator box qualifies as urban renewal.
you think a pig picking is a form of entertainment.
you think a roach motel provides quality entertainment.
you think all Southerners wear dungarees, chew tobacco, drink moonshine, and shoot "revenuers". Even the women.
you think arrogance is an art form.
you think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
you think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
you think it�s gardening to have a philodendron in a hanging pot.
you think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
you think others will know you value their friendship if you leave the price tag on their gift.
you think painting the sidewalk green qualifies as lawn maintenance.
you think pigeons may be your state bird
you think putting pink flamingos in your front yard indicate you�ve finally arrived.
you think Teddy Kennedy ought to chair the Senate Ethics Committee.
you think that meaningful conversation consists primarily of profanity.
you think the three food groups are soft pretzels, Philly cheese steaks, and Tasty Cakes.
you think when traveling you�ll impress the natives by loudly announcing how much better things are up North.
you wave with only one finger.
you would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
you would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
you would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
you�d rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
you�re shocked when people greet you on the street.
you�ve ever paid a dollar or more for a bottle of water.
you�ve lived at the same address for years and don�t know your neighbor�s name.
you�ve never been to a craft show.
you�ve never had grain alcohol.
you�ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
your concept of painting the outside of your house involves a spray can and graffiti.
your favorite pastime during your morning commute is "Nail That Pedestrian".
your home town has more stop lights than churches.
your idea of down-home cooking is a Big Mac with fries.
your idea of hospitality is greeting people with a handshake rather than a handgun.
your idea of mental health rehabilitation is putting delusional people out on the street.
your lawn has less square footage than your house.
your workday is shorter than the time it takes to drive there and park.

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Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords...
1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."
2. "I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."
3. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."
4. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."
5. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."
6. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."
7. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."
8. "Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink."
9. "Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."
10. "When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy."
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Preparing for Your First Mammogram
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE 2:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist and invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment up with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
CONGRATULATIONS. Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.
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The Martial Art of Bathing Your Cat
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk. It dislodges the dirt where it hides and whisks it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."
When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:
 Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
 Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
 Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.
 Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)
 Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
 Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
 Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
 In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But at least now he smells a lot better.

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The Checklist for Codependents:

LEISURE ACTIVITIES
 Did you place the remote control within his hallowed reach?
 Did you scrimp and save to buy the cable TV package exclusively in order to ensure that he has access to the sports channels?
 Are you willing to impale slithering earthworms, gut fish, and develop a permanent aroma of rotting flounder in order to be able to spend quality time with you husband?
 When you and your husband return from work in the evening, are you careful to avoid disturbing his rest while you prepare his evening meal?

HEALTHY LIVING
 >Have you made it your personal responsibility to ensure that his diet is >properly balanced and contains a minimum of cholesterol and empty calories?
 Are you able to provide him with a balanced meal on short notice, despite the fact that he returns home four-and-a-half hours after the roast beef turned into cinders?
 Do you remind him well in advance of his appointments with doctors or dentists?
 Are you willing to keep his exercise equipment free of dust so that he can preserve the illusion of using it when his friends come over? Are Are

SELF-ESTEEM
 Are you careful always to lavish him with compliments, especially when you are >in the company of other men?
 Have you spent time learning about his interests so that you can nod intelligently when he expresses opinions?
 Are you cautious never to appear too intelligent around him?
 Do you provide him with frequent opportunities to demonstrate his charm, wit, and talents?

INTIMACY
 Did you greet your husband wrapped in Saran Wrap and nothing else?
 Have you let his male friends know that you find his sexual prowess, endurance, and equipment to be beyond your wildest fantasies?
 Do you look attractive in the negligee he purchased from Fredericks of Hollywood?
 Do you ensure that he always presents an attractive appearance that reflects well on you, i.e. that his color choices are complimentary and that his clothes are always in good repair?

TIME MANAGEMENT
 Do you have in place a good system for keeping track of his appointments for him?
 Are you willing to rearrange your plans on short notice when he schedules >events which conflict with yours?
 Are you cheerful when he insists you interrupt what you're doing to hold the flashlight while he searches for the carburetor?
 Do you demonstrate creativity by being able to spend adequate time with his family while enabling him to totally avoid yours?

By the way: the Codependent's Checklist is an original, but I'm looking for any and all suggestions for additions/amendments/improvements.

Send your ideas, OK?

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The Fundamentalist Christian Dog
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they like quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.
"Well," they said, "let's try this out."
Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command "Heel!."
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

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**** MEMO ****
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Management
DATE: January 13, 1997
RE: New Toilet Policy
In the past employees were permitted to make trips to the toilet under informal guidelines.
Effective immediately, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's toilet time, thereby ensuring equal toilet time for all employees.
Under the policy a "TOILET TRIP BANK" will be established for each employee. On the first day of each month, employees will be given twenty toilet trip credits. These credits may be accumulated!
Within two weeks, the entrance doors to all toilets are to be equipped with personnel Identification Electronic Stations (PIES) and computer linked with voice print recognition devices.
Before the end of the month each employee must provide two (2) copies of his/her voice prints, one normal and one under stress, to the personnel department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the rest of the month. When installed, employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this commissioning period.
If an employee's toilet trip bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the toilet will not unlock for that employee until the first of the next month.
In addition, all toilet bowls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors.
If the toilet is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the toilet door will open.
If the toilet remains occupied, your picture will be taken.
The picture will be posted on the bulletin board. Anyone whose picture appears any more than three (3) times will have cause for instant dismissal.
If you have any questions regarding this policy, please discuss with your supervisor.

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BRUCE STROGANOFF
One of the many ways I have evolved into a perfect husband over the years is by my willingness to help cook dinner. No one at Pizza Hut would deny that I am a conscientious provider, taking care that my family eats well the nights it is my turn to prepare the evening meal. I can also find my way around the kitchen quite well, thank you -- though what my wife keeps in all those drawers and cupboards is frankly a mystery to me.
My children love it when I cook, usually because it means that doing the dishes will be a simple matter of clearing the boxes off the table. Some nights, however, I treat them to what they lovingly call, "Bruce Stroganoff." For those of you who want to eat a real meal, here's the recipe:
THE RECIPE FOR BRUCE STROGANOFF
This simple, yet elegant meal can serve a family of five, mainly because at least four of them will refuse to eat it. The leftovers can be kept in the refrigerator for a long time, though no one I know has ever actually eaten them except the dog, so I can't speak to how well they keep.
The ingredients are as follows:
One frozen loaf of bread dough.
One bag of the noodles that are thick and curly.
One onion.
One six pack of beer.
One and a half pounds of frozen ground meat.
A tub of sour cream.
Two cans of Cream of Mushroom soup.
(A low fat version can be made by substituting water for any of the above)
Though the instructions on the frozen bread suggest four to six hours of gentle thawing, I recommend you show it who is boss around here and don't pull it out of the freezer until about an hour before you're going to eat. Grease the thing with butter until it feels like a slippery brick and stick it in a bread pan. Put a towel over the top because you have seen other people do this. Pre-heat the oven -- the more frozen the loaf, the hotter you're going to want the oven to be. I usually shoot for between four and six hundred degrees.
Chop up the onion until you are sobbing and dump it into a pan. Heat the pan on medium until you get impatient, then flip it to high. Open your first beer.
Gradually, a sizzling sound will attract your attention. This is the noise onions make as they adhere themselves to the bottom of the pan. Don't overreact: Scraping the onions and flipping them over just means they will wind up being burned on BOTH sides. When the smoke alarm begins blaring, it is time to add the frozen block of ground beef.
There is no reason why, at this point, you shouldn't have another beer.
You know the meat is done when it is black on all sides and still hard in the middle. Break it into chunks with a spatula or a screwdriver. Stir it around a few times, if it makes you feel better. Most people recommend draining the grease from the pan, but I have discovered this is completely impossible without dumping the meat into the sink (although the onions will remain in place on the bottom of the pan no matter what you do.) Once the meat is in the sink it mixes with the debris in the drain trap and becomes "Something Other Than Bruce Stroganoff."
Open the cream of mushroom soup and the sour cream and pour them on top of the meat. You don't want to look too closely at the result. Set a large kettle of water on top of the stove, stick the bread in the oven, and open a beer. And you thought this was going to be tough!
Eventually the meat mixture will begin burping like a Yellowstone geyser. Large clumps of steaming Bruce Stroganoff will eject into the air and land with a satisfying plop on the stove top, which will make you very popular with your wife later. Pour the noodles into the kettle and let 'em boil. Check the bread, which should be forming a tough, callous-like skin on the surface. When the kettle overflows, remain calm -- the cascading water will cool the burner and cause the boiling to subside, maintaining a safe and harmonious balance. Occasionally, pick a noodle out with a fork and throw it against the wall.
1. Throw the noodle, not the fork.
2. If the noodle sticks to the wall, it is because
a) your dinner is ready, or
(b) the wall is so tacky from cooking noodles in the past that an oil slick would stick to it.
3. If the noodle ricochets off the wall and breaks some dishes, you might want to let them boil a little longer.
By now the delicious smell of the bread is filling your house, and your children are calling their friends in a desperate attempt to be invited somewhere else for dinner. Pull the bread out and extinguish the flames by pouring water on it. Dump the noodles in the sink where, interestingly enough, they will all be stuck together in one large, starchy mass. Chop this up with the screw driver, toss on a hunk of bread, and pour the sauce liberally over the top.
Enjoy!

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The World According to Student Bloopers
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother�s son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother�s birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. One of Jacob�s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharoah forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David�s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn�t have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appeared in "The Iliad", by Homer. Homer also wrote "The Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. The Gorgons had long snakes in their hair. They lookd like women, only more horrible
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn�t climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair.
Then came the Middle Ages. During the Middle Ages, everybody was middle-aged. Church and state were co-operatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and surfs. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings.
In the 1400�s most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of yeowls arose. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Europe caught the Black Death, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. The plague also helped the emergence of English as the national language of England, France, and Italy.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. The Crusades were expeditions by Christians who were seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the islams.
After a revival of infantile commerce, merchants appeared. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organized big fairies in the countryside. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense. The Middle Ages slimpered to a halt. The renasence bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world, thanks to northern Europe. Man was determined to civilize himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Europe was full of incredible churches with great art bulging out their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike. King Harold musterded his troops before the Battle of Hastings.
The Reformation happened when German nobles resented that tithes were going to the pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. The popes were usually Catholic. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luther was into reorientation mutation. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. . Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
It was the painter Donatello�s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe that would include Italy, Burgandy, central Europe and India thus surrounding France. The German Emperor�s lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years.
Louis XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and artillery. If he didn�t like someone, he sent them to the gallows for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah". Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained." Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head
In Russia, the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes to humor Peter the Great. Peter filled his government with accidental people; orthodox priests became government antennae.
Philosophers were unknown yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious toleration slightly confused with defeatism.
France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. Napoleon was very ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
History started in 1815. Industrialization was precipitating in England. Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose.
The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal sufferage and an anal parliament. Voting was to be done by ballad.
A new time of national unification roared over the horizon. The founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Culture fomented from Europe�s tip to its top. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and when he died they labeled his seat "historical".
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their backs. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah. Abraham Lincoln became America�s greatest Precedent. Lincoln�s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength". Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth�s career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy" that got him into trouble.. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon�s flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn�t bear children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species". Madame Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. World War I broke out around 1912 - 1914. At war people get killed, and then they aren�t people any more, but friends. Pease was proclaimed at Verseigh, which was attended by George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1917, Lenin revolted Russia.
Germany was displaced after WW I. This gave rise to Hitler, who remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish between Germany and France. Moosealini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germans invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wiped out, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.
The last stage is us.

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Southern Windows 98
Dear Consumers:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 98 SOUTHERN EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside the South. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The southern edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of General Robert E. Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Dukes of Hazzard screen saver.
Also note:
 Control Panel is known as the "The Dashboard"
 Dial up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
 Floppies are "them little ol plastic disc thangs"
 Hard Drive is referred to as "4 Wheel Drive"
 Instead of an error message a "garbage bag and roll of duct tape" pops up
 My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
 The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
 CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN SUTHERN EDITION:

Back back yonder
Cancel stopdat
Documents stuff ah done did
Find hunt fer it
Go to over yonder
Help hep me out here
No noop
OK ats aw-right
Programs stuff at duz stuff
Reset try er agin
Settings sittins
Start crank er up
Stop kwitit
Yes yup
 Also note that SUTHERN EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders 98:
colerin book a graphics program
coon dog American kennel club records
cyferin mersheen calculator
iner-net Microsoft Explorer 4.0
irs MS accounting software
Irs2 MS accounting software with hidden files
jupe-box CD Player
outhouse paper notepad
pichers A graphics viewer
tax records usually an empty file
tiperiter A word processing program
You'll recognize WINDERS 98 SUTHERN EDITION as it comes pre-loaded with certain "Favorites" for browsing the Worldwide Web.
Bud List of Budweiser distributors by zip code
Car 'n truck parts Junk yards by zip code
Cuzzins Complete database of southern resident (extremely long download time)
Doc veterinarians by zip code
Fishin' Bass Anglers Sportsman Society
NRA National Rifle Association
Pistul Smith & Wesson home page
Rasin NASCAR racing schedule with TV stations that carry the race
Riffel Winchester home page
Shotgun Remington Arms home page
Truck Ford & Chevy dealers by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the SUTHERN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates
Head Honcho

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The Man Test
Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?
A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.
C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate it�s a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the base path, (2) Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers. Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

9. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

11. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
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The Genie
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
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Helpful Camping Tips
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
When smoking a fish, never inhale.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted number.
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
A large carp can be used for a pillow.
Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
Effective January 1, 1997, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.
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COST-SAVING INITIATIVES FOR IMMEDIATE IMPLEMENTATION AT THE MEDICAL CENTER
Due to the profound impact which health care reform and the managed care industry have had on the Medical Center, a decision has been made to implement certain policy changes which are effective immediately. Failure of any employee to comply with these policies will result in his [her] immediate dismissal.

1. Effective immediately, all requests for vacation and holiday time are denied.
2. Effective immediately, employees are expected to tend to bodily functions on their own time. Limited vacation requests may be granted for employees to eat or go to the bathroom.
3. Reductions in the number of dining services employees will be made possible as a result of the sharp decrease in numbers of employees requiring meals. Limited numbers of former dining services employees will be trained to perform selected patient care activities.
4. Employees who receive permission from the Medical Center to utilize vacation time for excretory functions are expected to place excreta in clearly labeled collection containers. These substances will be transported to the American Fertilizer Corporation weekly and sold for a profit.
5. All material within bedpans is to be placed in clearly labeled collection containers. Once again, these substances will be transported to the American Fertilizer Corporation weekly and sold for a profit.
6. The Medical Center has disconnected from the city sewage system as of today in order to facilitate compliance with the two previous policies.
7. Radiology personnel are to make every effort to combine procedures as a cost-saving measure. For example, two thin patients can have chest xrays performed simultaneously. In the case of patients with eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa and bulimia, simultaneous radiological examinations of three patients may be possible.
8. Due to the decreased number of xray procedures which will need to be performed as a result of the preceding initiative, a reduction in the number of radiology staff will be possible. Limited numbers of former radiological staff employees will be trained to perform selected patient care activities.
9. Efforts are also being made to find ways to reduce the number of laboratory procedures performed. The number of procedures can be cut in half by combining blood from a number of patients and averaging the results.
10. Due to the decreased number of laboratory procedures which will need to be performed as a result of the preceding initiative, a reduction in the number of laboratory staff will be possible. Limited numbers of former laboratory employees will be trained to perform selected patient care activities.
11. In order to reduce the number of employees required to perform janitorial services, all employees are expected to wear a specially designed belt to which a damp mop has been attached while on duty. Employees are highly encouraged to wear a specially designed helmet to which a dust mop is attached as well.
12. Administrative personnel are exempt from the aforementioned policy as it is important to maintain the professional image of administrators in the Medical Center in order to remain competitive within a changing health care environment.
13. Reductions in the number of custodial staff required will be realized as the previous policy is implemented. Limited numbers of former janitorial staff employees will be trained to perform selected patient care activities.
14. During the 24 hours prior to their anticipated discharge, our patients will hereafter be asked to assist with transport services. In addition to helping us reduce the number of transport personnel required to efficiently operate the Medical Center, this will assist the patient in his [her] rehabilitation and help the physician gauge the patient�s readiness for discharge.
15. The previous initiatives will result in a decrease in the number of employees in dining services, custodial services, laboratory services, transport services, and the radiology department. As large numbers of these employees are trained to perform patient care activities, the Medical Center will be able to eliminate the majority of physicians and nurses from the payroll.
16. The annual fee for parking privileges will hereafter be doubled from the previous rate. It is expected that some employees will thereby avail themselves of the opportunity to car-pool or use public transportation. The parking spaces which are thereby made available will be offered to administrative staff at no charge.
17. Those physicians and nurses who remain on staff will be permitted the opportunity to rent unoccupied patient rooms as sleeping quarters. It is, of course, expected that those who avail themselves of this convenience will be available on short notice if needed to perform patient care duties.
18. It is important to model a healthy lifestyle for our patients; therefore, there will be no more paid sick time. This policy will obviously also result in immediate savings on health insurance benefits.
19. The Medical Center recognizes the importance of demonstrating the commitment of all Medical Center employees to the principal of Zero Population Growth. For this reason, all benefits heretofore extended to family members will cease forthwith.
20. Effective immediately, employees are denied permission to retire or die.
21. Due to the substantial savings employees will realize as a result of being unable to become ill, retire, take paid sick leave, or die, they will notice a decrease in their expenses. Therefore all employees will receive a 10% across the board pay cut.
22. Administrative staff are exempt from the aforementioned decrease in salaries.
23. A portion of the funds previously allocated to pay for retirement and for health and life insurance benefits will now be utilized by the Medical Center to upgrade landscaping and alter the decorating scheme within the medical center on a regular basis. By improving the appearance of the Medical Center, we will be able to attract more patients to our institution.
24. Another portion of the funds previously allocated to pay for retirement and for health and life insurance benefits will now be utilized by the Medical Center to begin a lottery in order to attract more patients to our institution. All patients who are admitted to the Medical Center will be entered into the lottery. Drawings will be held monthly. Only patients whose insurance benefits cover their entire hospitalization will be eligible to win.
25. The vast majority of the funds previously allocated to pay for retirement and for health and life insurance benefits will, of course, be utilized by the Medical Center to increase salaries and benefits for the administrative staff. This will serve as an incentive for members of the administration to continue devising innovative policies such as those contained within this memorandum.
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WARNING: This "Test" Can Drive You Crazy!!
This test does not measure your intelligence, your fluency with words, and certainly not your mathematical ability. It will, however, give you some gauge of your mental flexibility and creativity. In the years since it was first developed, few people have been able to solve more than half the problems on their first try. Many, however, reported getting answers long after the test had been set aside, particularly at unexpected moments when their minds were relaxed. Some have also reported solving all the problems over a period of several days.
Instructions: Each question below contains all the initials of words that will make it correct. Find the missing words. For example: 16 O. in a P. means 16 ounces in a pound.
1) 26 L. of the A. 42) 3 P. for a F. G. in F.
2) 7 W. of the A. W. 43) 1,000 W. that a P. is W.
3) 1,001 A. N. 44) 56 S. of the D. of I.
4) 12 S. of the Z. 45) 20 Y. that R. V. W. S.
5) 54 C. in a D. (with J.) 46) 40 T (with A. B.)
6) 9 P. in the S. S. 47) 30 D. H. S. A. J. and N.
7) 88 P. K. 48) 32 D. F. at which W. F
8) 13 S. on the A. F. 49) 10 A. in the B. of R.
9) 1 D. at a T. 50) 435 M. of the H. of R.
10) 18 H. on a G. C. 51) 31 I. C. F. at B.-R.
11) 90 D. in a R. A. 52) 200 D. for P. G. in M.
12) 50 C. in a H. D. 53) 2 T. D. (and a P. in a P. T.)
13) 8 S. on a S. S. 54) 4 H. of the A.
14) 3 B. M. (S. H. T. R.) 55) 40 D. and N. of the G. F.
15) 4 Q. in a G. 56) 8 P. of S. in the E. L.
16) 24 H. in a D. 57) 9 I. in a B. G.
17) 1 W. on a U. 58) 1 R. A. in E. B.
18) 5 D. in a Z. C. 59) 76 T. that L. the B. P.
19) 57 H. V. 60) 3 L. K. that L. T. M.
20) 11 P. on a F. T. 61) 4 S. on a V.
21) 7 H. of R. 62) 5 T. on a C. (including S. in T.)
22) 101 D. 63) 6 P. on a P. T.
23) 64 S. on a C. B. 64) 7 Y. of B. L. for B. a M.
24) 13 C. in a S. 65) 2 G. for E. B. (in the B. B. S.)
25) 10 L. I. 66) 9 J. of the S. C.
26) 20,000 L. U. T. S. 67) 10 D. in a T. N. (including the A. C.)
27) 13 O. C. 68) 20 C. in a P.
28) 12 K. of the R. T. 69) 3 S. Y. O. at the O. B. G.
29) 13 in a B. D. 70) 1 C. Y. in K. A. C.
30) 66 B. of the B. 71) 3 W. from the G. in the B.
31) 10 D. in a D. 72) 20 Q. (A., V., or M.)
32) 15 M on a D. M. C. 73) 7 D. with S. W.
33) 80 D. A. the W. 74) 30 S. over T.
34) 24 B. B. in a P. 75) 8 D. a W. (in the B. S.)
35) 7 B. for 7 B. 76) 212 D. F. at which W. B.
36) 36 I. in a Y. 77) 4 P. on M. R.
37) 6 W. of H. the E. 78) 10 D. in a R. of Q.
38) 2,000 P. in a T. 79) 48 S. in the C. U. S.
39) 60 S. in a M. 80) 7 C. on the E.
40) 5 F. on the H. 81) 2 G. of V.
41) 29 D. in F. in a L. Y.
If you're interested in receiving the answers, contact us.
For the right price, who knows?
Perhaps we'll give you the answers!!! Our email address


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Inspirational stuff
Cracked pots
Something to think about
The whale story
The piano
What's your excuse?
Life is a juggling act
How do you live your dash?
Fourteen steps
Building your house
Instructions for life
The rules
Twelve steps for making a delinquent
What life is about
The trouble tree
Life is a series of problem-solving opportunities
The gold box
Dance like no one's watching
Roses have thorns
I want to be six again
A friend
The fork
Under the cover of his wings
The Wemmick people
Lessons from my garden

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Cracked Pots
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked
pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."
"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"
"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.
The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."
Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pot's side?
That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them.
For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."
Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots.
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Something to think about
This testimony was given before the Subcommittee on Crime, House Judiciary Committee in Washington, DC. on Thursday, May 27, 1999. Mr. Scott testified before the subcommittee�s hearing on the events at Columbine High School. You may access this testimony directly from the U.S. House server at http://www.house.gov/judiciary/scot0527.pdf.

TESTIMONY OF DARRELL SCOTT - FATHER OF TWO VICTIMS OF COLUMBINE HIGH SCHOOL SHOOTING - LITTLETON, COLORADO BEFORE THE SUBCOMMITTEE ON CRIME � HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE - UNITED STATES HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES THURSDAY, MAY 27,1999 2:00 P.M.
Since the dawn of creation there has been both good and evil in the heart of men and of women. We all contain the seeds of kindness or the seeds of violence.
The death of my wonderful daughter Rachel Joy Scott, and the deaths of that heroic teacher and the other children who died must not be in vain. Their blood cries out for answers.
The first recorded act of violence was when Cain slew his brother Abel out in the field. The villain was not the club he used. Neither was it the NCA, the National Club Association. The true killer was Cain and the reason for the murder could only be found in Cain's heart.
In the days that followed the Columbine tragedy, I was amazed at how quickly fingers began to be pointed at groups such as the NRA.
I am not a member of the NRA. I am not a hunter. I do not even own a gun. I am not here to represent or defend the NRA - because I don't believe that they are responsible for my daughters death. Therefore I do not believe that they need to be defended. If I believed they had anything to do with Rachel's murder I would be their strongest opponent.
I am here today to declare that Columbine was not just a tragedy - it was a spiritual event that should be forcing us to look at where the real blame lies!
Much of that blame lies here in this room. Much of that blame lies behind the pointing fingers of the accusers themselves.
I wrote a poem just four nights ago that express my feelings best. This was written way before I knew l would be speaking here today.

Your laws ignore our deepest needs
Your words are empty air.
You've stripped away our heritage.
You've outlawed simple prayer.

Now gunshots fill our classrooms.
And precious children die.
You seek for answers everywhere.
And ask the question "WHY"?

You regulate restrictive laws.
Through legislative creed.
Add yet you fail to understand.
That God is what we need!

Men and women are three part beings. We all consist of body, soul, and spirit. When we refuse to acknowledge a third part of our makeup, we create a void that allows evil, prejudice, and hatred to rush in and wreak havoc.
Spiritual influences were present within our educational systems for most of our nation's history. Many of our major colleges began as theological seminaries. This is a historic fact.
What has happened to us as a nation? We have refused to honor God and in doing so, we open the doors to hatred and violence.
And when something as terrible as Columbine's tragedy occurs - politicians immediately look for a scapegoat such as the NRA. They immediately seek to pass more restrictive laws that continue to erode away our personal and private liberties.
We do not need more restrictive laws. Eric and Dylan would not have been stopped by metal detectors. No amount of gun laws can stop someone who spends months planning this type of massacre.
The real villain lies within our OWN hearts. Political posturing and restrictive legislation is not the answers.
The young people of our nation hold the key. There is a spiritual awakening taking place that will not be squelched!
We do not need more religion. We do not need more gaudy television evangelists spewing out verbal religious garbage. We do not need more million dollar church buildings built while people with basic needs are being ignored.
We do need a change of heart and a humble acknowledgment that this nation was founded on the principle of simple trust in God.
As my son Craig lay under that table in the school library and saw his two friends murdered before his very eyes. He did not hesitate to pray in school. I defy any law or politician to deny him that right!
I challenge every young person in America and around the world to realize that on April 20, 1999 at Columbine High School - - prayer was brought back to our schools. Do not let the many prayers offered by those students be in vain.
Dare to move into the new millennium with a sacred disregard for legislation that violates your conscience and denies your God-given right to communicate with Him.
To those of you who would point your finger at the NRA - I give to you sincere challenge. Dare to examine your own heart before you cast the first stone!
My daughter's death will not be in vain. The young people of this country will not allow that to happen.

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The Whale Story
4
- Charles A. Coonradt.

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THE PIANO
Wishing to encourage her young son's progress on the piano, a mother took her boy to a Paderewski concert. After they were seated, the mother spotted a friend in the audience and walked down the aisle to greet her.
Seizing the opportunity to explore the wonders of the concert hall, the little boy rose and eventually explored his way through a door marked "NO ADMITTANCE." When the house lights dimmed and the concert was about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and discovered that the child was missing.
Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights focused on the impressive Steinway on stage. In horror, the mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."
At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and whispered in the boy's ear, "Don't quit. Keep playing." Then leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his right arm reached around to the other side of the child and he added a running obbligato. Together, the old master and the young novice transformed a frightening situation into a wonderfully creative experience. The audience was mesmerized.
That's the way it is with our Heavenly Father. What we can accomplish on our own is hardly noteworthy. We try our best, but the results aren't exactly gracefully flowing music. But with the hand of the Master, our life's work truly can be beautiful. Next time you set out to accomplish great feats, listen carefully.
You can hear the voice of the Master, whispering in your ear, "Don't quit. Keep playing." Feel His loving arms around you. Know that strong hands are there helping you turn your feeble attempts into true masterpieces.
Remember, God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. He'll always be there to love and guide you on to great things.
Author Unknown

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What�s Your Excuse?
Years ago, when people would tell me about their problems coping with life, I�d consider the unconscious motivations for their behavior. You know, associations like: �Your father abandoned you at a young age, and of course you�d be scared to trust men. That explains your promiscuity.�
Neat package. Too neat. I was bothered by the notion that a bad experience in the past is the cause of a person�s present problems. I also worry about just how much blaming something in the past keeps people stuck and feeling like victims.
Kathy, one of the listeners to my talk radio show, calls to say that at age 25 she is leaving her second marriage. �Kathy,� I ask, �at what point did you know that husband No. 1 was violent and husband No. 2 was on drugs?�
�I guess before I married� is her surprisingly frank answer. �My parents were divorced and my brother died,� she explains. �I was upset.�
Her answer to being �upset� was to walk through the first two doors available. Now she is single with three children from two attempts to bury her emotional pain.
The modern-day �out� or excuse for such behaviors is generally psychological. �Considering my hurts, disappointments and traumas, I can�t be responsible for the havoc I wreak in the lives of others or the mess I�ve made of my own life.� Puhleeese.
Does anyone really believe that only those people graced with great genetics, perfect parentage, and ideal social conditions can - and will - behave with character, courage, and conscience? Does anyone really believe that laziness and gutlessness are products only of some form of psychoneurosis? Nonsense.
Call me a heretic, but I believe that even with bad stuff in your past, you have choices. Everyone must overcome something. That simply is life. Of course, the typical rejoinder is �How dare you blame the victim for his unhappiness?� But there is a big difference between blaming the victim and trying to get across the fact that it is within his power to gather courage and move on.
Nobody is acknowledged to have free will or responsibility anymore; we have become a nation of excuses and victims. Victimization is today�s promised land of absolution from personal responsibility. A �Frank & Ernest� comic strip shows two �bums� sitting along a wall and conversing. One says to the other, �Do you believe in fate?� The other replies, �Sure. I�d hate to think I turned out like this because of something I had control over!�
After listening to people�s stories for almost two decades, I have concluded that the path to healthy relationships and self-respect starts with the decision to do the right thing.
Beth, 30, wrote to me about her repeated childhood molestations by both a stranger and a family friend, her parents� divorce when she was six, and the poverty that kept her from college. �Under these conditions I could have become a �victim�,� she concluded. �But I chose to change my circumstances through hard work and perseverance.�
�While some of my decisions were indirectly related to what happened in my childhood, I am still responsible for the choices I made. Once we decide to make the best of whatever our situation is, we will be better people, and the world will be a better place in which to live.�
Acknowledging that you are responsible for messing up your own life is admittedly very upsetting. But it is that very acknowledgment that gives you the power to change things.
Keith, 21, was on drugs for eight years. �I took anything,� he admitted. Why? �To have fun with my friends. It was a blast. I just liked it.�
Today he is drug-free. �I had some long-range goals, and they just weren�t panning out,� Keith told me. �I tried changing jobs, friends, love relationships, and still wasn�t getting anywhere. Then I realized that I was the constant in the equation, and the constant was that I was using drugs.�
Keith decided to confront a bad habit and kick it. He wasn�t diseased. He wasn�t a victim.
Uncertainty. Loss. Conflict. Aloneness. Sometimes life seems a slalom, an obstacle course, a trial by fire, even a bad joke with you as a subject. I don�t believe for a minute that everything that happens to you is your doing or your fault. But I do believe the ultimate quality of your life and your happiness is determined by your courageous and ethical choices and your overall attitude.
You may get shipped some bad bricks and weak steel, but you are still the general contractor. What do you want to do? Fake it? Bemoan it? Change the plans? Wait for better parts?
As a listener named Christine wrote, �The more time we spend blaming our circumstances on others, the more time we waste, �cause while we were blaming, we could�ve been doing.�
-Laura Schlessinger

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Life is a Juggling Act
Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them- work, health, friends, and spirit � and you're keeping all these in the air.
You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. But the other four balls � family, health, friends, and spirit � are made of glass. If you drop one of these they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for balance in your life. How?
 Don't undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.
 Don't set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.
 Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.
 Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live ALL the days of your life.
 Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
 Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect. it is this fragile thread that binds us together.
 Don't be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
 Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
 Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been, but also where you are going.
 Don't forget that a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.
 Don't be afraid to learn. Knowledge is weightless, a treasure you can always carry easily.
 Don't use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way. Yesterday is History, tomorrow is a Mystery, and Today is a gift: that's why we call it the Present!
- written by the CEO of Coca-Cola 1991

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HOW DO YOU LIVE YOUR "DASH"?

I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning... to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years. (1950 - 1999).

For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;
The cars... the house... the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our "dash".

So think about this long and hard...
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more,
And love the people in our lives
Like we've never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile...
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read
With your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?

Author Unknown

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Fourteen Steps
4

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Building Your House
An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the housebuilding business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by.
The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end his career.
When the carpenter finished his work and the builder came to inspect the house, the contractor handed the front-door key to the carpenter. �This is your house,� he said, �my gift to you.�
What a shock! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently. Now he had to live in the home he had built none too well.
So it is with us. We build our lives in a distracted way, reacting rather than acting, willing to put up less than the best. At important points we do not give the job our best effort. Then with a shock we look at the situation we have created and find that we are now living in the house we have built. If we had realized, we would have done it differently.
Think of yourself as the carpenter. Think about your house. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. Build wisely. It is the only life you will ever build. Even if you live it for only one day more, that day deserves to be lived graciously and with dignity. The plaque on the wall says, �Life is a do-it-yourself project.�
Who could say it more clearly? Your life today is the result of your attitudes and choices in the past. Your life tomorrow will be the result of your attitudes and the choices you make today.
Author Unknown

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INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE
1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don�t believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, �I love you�, mean it.
5. When you say, �I�m sorry�, look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone�s dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it�s the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don�t judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don�t want to answer, smile and ask, �Why do you want to know?�
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say �bless you� when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don�t lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R�s: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don�t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you�ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don�t let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you�ll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don�t bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It�s a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray. There�s immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don�t trust a man/woman who doesn�t close his/her eyes when you kiss.
38. Once a year, go someplace you�ve never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth�s greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
Author Unknown

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The Rules
1. Life is NOT fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase "It's not fair" 86 times a day.
2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. This may come as a shock.
3. Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice-president or have a car phone, either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a designer label.
4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss.
5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity.
6. It's not your parents' fault if you mess up. You are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life." and "You're not my boss."
7. Before you were born your parents were NOT boring. They got that way paying your bills and listening to you.
8. Life is not divided into semesters. And you don't get summers off. Not even spring break. You are expected to show up every day for eight hours, and you don't get a new life every 6 weeks.
9. Smoking does not make you look cool. Watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20.
10. Your school may be "outcome-base," but life isn't. In some schools, you're given as many times as you want to get the answer right. Standards are set low enough so everyone can meet them. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life -- as you will find out.

Good Luck. You are going to need it -- and the harder you work, the luckier you will get.
Author Unknown
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12 EASY STEPS TO MAKE A DELINQUENT

1. Begin with infancy to give him everything he wants. In this way he will grow up thinking the world owes him a living.
2. When he picks up "bad" or "dirty" words, laugh at him. That will make him think he is cute. He will run off and pick up some other words that will blow off your head.
3. Never give him any spiritual training until he is 21, and then let him decide for himself. By the same logic, never teach him the English language. Maybe when he is old enough he may want to speak Bantu instead!
4. Praise him in his presence to all the neighbors; show him how much smarter he is than the neighbors' children.
5. Avoid the use of the word "wrong." It may develop in the child a "guilt complex." This will prepare him to believe that when he is punished later on for wrong-doing society is against him and he is being persecuted.
6. Pick up everything after him: his shoes, his books, his clothes. Do everything for him so that he will be experienced in throwing burdens on others.
7. Let him read anything he wants. Have no concern whatsoever for what goes into his mind. Provide him with sterilized cups for his lips, but let his brain drink out of any dirty container for words and ideas.
8. Quarrel frequently in the presence of your children. In that way they will be prepared for broken homes later on.
9. Give him all the spending money he wants; never let him earn his own.
10. Satisfy every craving of the child for food, drinks, and everything that has to do with the sense of taste and touch, gratifying every sensual desire.
11. Take his part against police, teachers, and neighbors. They are all prejudiced against your little child.
12. When he gets into real trouble, always defend yourself and say: "I never could do anything with him."
Author Unknown
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WHAT LIFE IS ABOUT
Life isn't about keeping score.
It's not about how many friends you have or how accepted you are.
Not about if you have plans this weekend or if you're alone.
It isn't about whom you're dating, whom you used to date, how many people you've dated, or if you haven't been with anyone at all.
It isn't about whom you have kissed. It's not about sex.
It isn't about who your family is or how much money they have.
Or what kind of car you drive. Or where you are sent to school.
It's not about how beautiful or ugly you are.
Or what clothes you wear, what shoes you have on, or what kind of music you listen to.
It's not about if your hair is blonde, red, black, or brown or if your skin is too light or too dark.
Not about what grades you get, how smart you are, how smart everybody else thinks you are, or how smart standardized tests say you are.
It's not about what clubs you're in or how good you are at a sport.
It's not about representing your whole being on a piece of paper and seeing who will accept you.
Life just isn't about that.
But, life IS about who you love and who you hurt.
It's about who you make happy or unhappy purposefully.
It's about keeping or betraying trust.
It's about friendship, used as a sanctity or a weapon.
It's about what you say and mean, maybe hurtful, maybe heartening.
About starting rumors and contributing to petty gossip.
It's about what judgments you pass and why.
It's about whom you've ignored with full control and intention.
It's about jealousy, fear, ignorance, and revenge.
It's about carrying inner hate.
It's about having inner love, letting it grow, and spreading it.
But most of all, it's about using your life to touch or poison other people's hearts in such a way that could have never occurred without you.
Only you choose the way those hearts are affected, and those choices are what life's all about.
Author Unknown
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The Trouble Tree
The carpenter I hired to help me restore an old farmhouse had just finished a rough first day on the job. A flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric saw quit, and now his ancient pickup truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.
On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them on the tree every night when I come home. Then in the morning I pick them up again."
He paused. "Funny thing is," he smiled, "When I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there ain't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."
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LIFE IS A SERIES OF PROBLEM-SOLVING OPPORTUNITIES.
The problems you face will either defeat you or develop you - depending on how you respond to them. Unfortunately most people fail to see how God wants to use problems for good in their lives. They react foolishly and resent their problems rather than pausing to consider what benefit they might bring. Here are five ways God wants to use the problems in your life.
1. God uses problems to DIRECT you. Sometimes God must light a fire under you to get you moving. Problems often point us in a new direction and motivate us to change. Is God trying to get your attention? "Sometimes it takes a painful situation to make us change our ways." Proverbs 20:30
2. God uses problems to INSPECT you. People are like tea bags... if you want to know what's inside them, just drop them into hot water! Has God ever tested your faith with a problem? What do problems reveal about you? "When you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience." James 1:2-3
3. God uses problems to CORRECT you. Some lessons we learn only through pain and failure. It's likely that as a child your parents told you not to touch a hot stove. But you probably learned by being burned. Sometimes we only learn the value of something... health, money, a relationship... by losing it. "... It was the best thing that could have happened to me, for it taught me to pay attention to your laws." Psalm 119:71-72
4. God uses problems to PROTECT you. A problem can be a blessing in disguise if it prevents you from being harmed by something more serious. Last year a friend was fired for refusing to do something unethical that his boss had asked him to do. His unemployment was a problem - but it saved him from being convicted and sent to prison a year later when management's actions were eventually discovered. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good...� Genesis 50:20
5. God uses problems to PERFECT you. Problems, when responded to correctly, are character builders. Gods far more interested in your character than your comfort. Your relationship to God and your character are the only two things you're going to take with you into eternity. "We can rejoice when we run into problems... they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady." Romans 5:3-4
Here's the point: God is at work in your life � even when you do not recognize it or understand it. But it's much easier & profitable when you cooperate with Him!
Author unknown
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The Gold Box
The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 4-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy."
He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty. He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when you give someone a present, there's supposed to be something inside it?" The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Daddy, it is not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy."
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness.
It is told that the man kept that gold box by his bed for years and whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.
In a very real sense, each of us as humans have been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, friends, family or God. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
You now have the choice, you can:
1) Pass this on to your friends
2) Act like it didn't touch your heart.
As you can see, I took choice number 1.....
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Dance Like No One's Watching
We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenager to deal with, we will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.
We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now.
If not now, when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."
This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way, so, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one.
So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy...Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So,
Work like you don't need money.
Love like you've never been hurt, and
Dance Like no one's watching.
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Roses Have Thorns
A certain man planted a rose and watered it faithfully, and before it blossomed, he examined it.
He saw the bud that would soon blossom and also the thorns.
And he thought, "How can any beautiful flower come from a plant burdened with so many sharp thorns?"
Saddened by this thought, he neglected to water the rose, and before it was ready to bloom, it died.
So it is with many people. Within every soul there is a rose.
The God-like qualities planted in us at birth grow amid the thorns of our faults.
Many of us look at ourselves and see only the thorns, the defects.
We despair, thinking that nothing good can possibly come from us.
We neglect to water the good within us, and eventually it dies.
We never realize our potential.
Some people do not see the rose within themselves; someone else must show it to them.
One of the greatest gifts a person can possess is to be able to reach past the thorns and find the rose within others.
This is the characteristic of love, to look at a person, and knowing his faults, recognize the nobility in his soul, and help him realize that he can overcome his faults.
If we show him the rose, he will conquer the thorns.
Then will he blossom, blooming forth thirty, sixty, a hundred-fold as it is given to him.
Our duty in this world is to help others by showing them their roses and not their thorns.
Only then can we achieve the love we should feel for each other; only then can we bloom in our own garden.
Author Unknown
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I Want To Be Six Again
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult in order to accept the responsibilities of a 6-year-old. . .
The tax base is lower. . .
I want to go to McDonald's and think it's the best place in the world to eat.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make waves with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money 'cause you can eat them.
I want to play kickball during recess and stay up on Christmas Eve waiting to hear Santa and Rudolph on the roof.
I long for the days when life was simple . . . when all you knew were your colors, the addition tables, and simple nursery rhymes, but it didn't bother you because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
I want to go to school and have snack time, recess, gym, and field trips.
I want to be happy because I don't know what should make me upset.
I want to think the world is fair and everyone in it is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
Sometime, while I was maturing, I learned too much.
I learned of nuclear weapons, starving and abused kids, and unhappy marriages.
I want to be six again.
I want to think that everyone, including myself, will live forever because I don't know the concept of death.
I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life, and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want television to be something I watch for fun, not something I use for escape from the things I should be doing.
I want to live knowing the little things I find exciting will always make me as happy as when I first learned them.
I want to be six again.
I remember not seeing the world as a whole, but rather being aware of only the things that directly concerned me.
I want to be naive enough to think that if I'm happy, so is everyone else.
I want to walk down the beach and think only of the sand beneath my feet, and the possibility of finding that blue piece of sea glass I'm looking for.
I want to spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike, letting the grownups worry about time, the dentist, and how to find the money to fix the car.
I want to wonder what I'll do when I grow up, not worry what I'll do if this doesn't work out.
I want that time back.
I want to use it now as an escape, for when my computer crashes, or I have a mountain of paperwork, or two depressed friends, or second thoughts about so many things.
I want to travel back and build a snowman without thinking about anything except whether the snow sticks together and what I can possibly use for the snowman's mouth.
I want to be six again.
Author Unknown
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A Friend
 In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.
 In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.
 In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.
 In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.
 In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nicky or Smelly Susan.
 In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.
 In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that if they said no you wouldn't have to be embarrassed.
 In seventh grade your idea of a friend was the person who let you copy the social studies homework from the night before.
 In eighth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old baseball cards so that your room would be a "high schooler's" room, but didn't laugh at you when you finished and broke out into tears.
 In ninth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to that "cool" party thrown by a senior so you wouldn't wind up being the only freshman there.
 In tenth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who changed their schedule so you would have someone to sit with at lunch.
 In eleventh grade your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in their new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn't be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with Nick or Susan, and found you a date to the prom.
 In twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college, assured you that you would get into that college, helped you deal with your parents who were having a hard time adjusting to the idea of letting you go...
 At graduation your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside but managed the biggest smile one could give as they congratulated you.
 The summer after twelfth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you clean up the bottles from that party, helped you sneak out of the house when you just couldn't deal with your parents, assured you that now that you and Nick or you and Susan were back together, you could make it through anything, helped you pack up for college and just silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at 18 years of memories you were leaving behind, and finally on those last days of childhood, went out of their way to give you reassurance that you would make it in college as well as you had these past 18 years, and most importantly sent you off to college knowing you were loved.
 Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of the two choices, hold your hand when you're scared, helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you, thinks of you at times when you are not there, reminds you of what you have forgotten, helps you put the past behind you but understands when you need to hold on to it a little longer, stays with you so that you have confidence, goes out of their way to make time for you, helps you clear up your mistakes, helps you deal with pressure from others, smiles for you when they are sad, helps you become a better person, and most importantly loves you!
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THE FORK
There was a woman who had been diagnosed with cancer and had been given 3 months to live. Her doctor told her to start making preparations to die (something we all should be doing all of the time.) So she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what she wanted to be wearing. The woman also told her pastor that she wanted to be buried with her favorite Bible. Everything as in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. "There's one more thing." She said excitedly. "What's that?" came the pastor's reply. "This is very important." The woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."
The pastor stood looking at the woman not knowing quite what to say. "That shocks you doesn't it?" The woman asked. "Well to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor. The woman explained. "In all my years of attending church socials and functions where food was involved, my favorite part was when whoever was clearing away the dishes of the main course would lean over and say 'you can keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming. When they told me to keep my fork, I knew that something great was about to be given to me. It wasn't Jell-O or pudding. It was cake or pie. Something with substance. So I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them: 'Something better is coming so keep your fork too.'" The pastor's eyes were welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman goodbye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did.
She KNEW that something better was coming. At the funeral people were walking by the woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and her favorite Bible and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over the pastor heard the question "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right.
So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you oh so gently that there is something better coming. Keep your fork. The best is yet to come.
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Under the Cover of His Wings
An article in National Geographic several years ago provided a penetrating picture of God's wings. After a forest fire in Yellowstone National Park, forest rangers began their trek up a mountain to assess the inferno's damage.
One ranger found a bird literally petrified in ashes, perched statuesquely on the ground at the base of a tree.
Somewhat sickened by the eerie sight, he knocked over the bird with a stick. When he struck it, three tiny chicks scurried from under their dead mother's wings.
The loving mother, keenly aware of impending disaster, had carried her offspring to the base of the tree and had gathered them under her wings, instinctively knowing that the toxic smoke would rise. She could have flown to safety but had refused to abandon her babies. When the blaze had arrived and the heat had singed her small body, the mother had remained steadfast.
Because she had been willing to die, so those under the cover of her wings would live.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
- Psalm 91:4
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Wemmick People
The Wemmicks were small wooden people. Each of the wooden people was carved by a woodworker named Eli. His workshop sat on a hill overlooking their village.
Every Wemmick was different. Some had big noses, others had large eyes. Some were tall and others were short. Some wore hats, others wore coats. But all were made by the same carver and all lived in the village. And all day, every day, the Wemmicks did the same thing They gave each other stickers. Each Wemmick had a box of golden star stickers and a box of gray dot stickers.
Up and down the streets all over the city, people could be seen sticking stars or dots on one another. The pretty ones, those with smooth wood and fine paint, always got stars. But if the wood was rough or the paint chipped, the Wemmicks gave dots.
The talented ones got stars, too. Some could lift big sticks high above their heads or jump over tall boxes. Still others knew big words or could sing very pretty songs. Everyone gave them stars. Some Wemmicks had stars all over them! Every time they got a star it made them feel so good that they did something else and got another star.
Others, though, could do little. They got dots. Punchinello was one of these. He tried to jump high like the others, but he always fell. And when he fell, the others would gather around and give him dots. Sometimes when he fell, it would scar his wood, so the people would give him more dots. He would try to explain why he fell and say something silly, and the Wemmicks would give him more dots.
After a while he had so many dots that he didn't want to go outside. He was afraid he would do something dumb such as forget his hat or step in the water, and then people would give him another dot. In fact, he had so many gray dots that some people would come up and give him one without reason.
"He deserves lots of dots," the wooden people would agree with one another. "He's not a good wooden person."
After a while Punchinello believed them.
"I'm not a good Wemmick," he would say. The few times he went outside, he hung around other Wemmicks who had a lot of dots. He felt better around them.
One day he met a Wemmick who was unlike any he'd ever met. She had no dots or stars. She was just wooden. Her name was Lulia. It wasn't that people didn't try to give her stickers; it's just that the stickers didn't stick.
Some admired Lulia for having no dots, so they would run up and give her a star. But it would fall off. Some would look down on her for having no stars, so they would give her a dot. But it wouldn't stay either.
'That's the way I want to be, 'thought Punchinello. 'I don't want anyone's marks.' So he asked the stickerless Wemmick how she did it.
"It's easy," Lulia replied. "every day I go see Eli."
"Eli?"
"Yes, Eli. The woodcarver. I sit in the workshop with him."
"Why?"
"Why don't you find out for yourself? Go up the hill. He's there."
And with that the Wemmick with no marks turned and skipped away.
"But he won't want to see me!" Punchinello cried out.
Lulia didn't hear. So Punchinello went home. He sat near a window and watched the wooden people as they scurried around giving each other stars and dots. "It's not right," he muttered to himself. And he resolved to go see Eli. He walked up the narrow path to the top of the hill and stepped into the big shop. His wooden eyes widened at the size of everything.
The stool was as tall as he was. He had to stretch on his tiptoes to see the top of the workbench. A hammer was as long as his arm. Punchinello swallowed hard.
"I'm not staying here!" and he turned to leave. Then he heard his name.
"Punchinello?" The voice was deep and strong. Punchinello stopped.
"Puncinello! How good to see you. Come and let me have a look at you."
Punchinello turned slowly and looked at the large bearded craftsman.
"You know my name?" the little Wemmick asked. "Of course I do. I made you."
Eli stooped down and picked him up and set him on the bench. "Hmm," the maker spoke thoughtfully as he inspected the gray circles. "Looks like you've been given some bad marks."
"I didn't mean to, Eli. I really tried hard."
"Oh, you don't have to defend yourself to me, child. I don't care what the other Wemmicks think."
"You don't?"
"No, and you shouldn't either. Who are they to give stars or dots? They're Wemmicks just like you. What they think doesn't matter, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special."
Punchinello laughed. "Me, special? Why? I can't walk fast. I can't jump. My paint is peeling. Why do I matter to you?"
Eli looked at Punchinello, put his hands on those small wooden shoulders, and spoke very slowly. "Because you're mine. That's why you matter to me."
Punchinello had never had anyone look at him like this--much less his maker. He didn't know what to say.
"Every day I've been hoping you'd come," Eli explained.
"I came because I met someone who had no marks."
"I know. She told me about you."
"Why don't the stickers stay on her?"
"Because she has decided that what I think is more important than what they think. The stickers only stick if you let them."
"What?"
"The stickers only stick if they matter to you. The more you trust my love, the less you care about the stickers."
"I'm not sure I understand."
"You will, but it will take time. You've got a lot of marks. For now, just come to see me every day and let me remind you how much I care."
Eli lifted Punchinello off the bench and set him on the ground.
"Remember," Eli said as the Wemmick walked out the door. "You are special because I made you. And I don't make mistakes."
Punchinello didn't stop, but in his heart he thought, "I think he really means it."
And when he did, a dot fell to the ground.
Author unknown
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Lessons From My Garden:
Left to itself, the nature of my garden is to grow weeds.
In other words, character defects are part of my nature.
Absolutely no effort is required for me to grow a healthy crop of weeds.
Character defects do not require nurturing in order to grow and thrive.
Getting rid of weeds, on the other hand, requires time & effort & energy & commitment.
Developing good qualities requires work; it does not come easy.
It's important to be realistic when planning a garden. Some things require special conditions in order to thrive.
I may admire certain characteristics in others, but they may not be possible for me at the moment.
In places where the ground is hard-packed and dry, it is difficult to pull weeds or to plant desirable growth.
God cannot work when I am stiff and unyielding; willingness is essential.
One of the best ways to get weeds is to surround yourself with them.
Be selective about the company you keep, the things you watch, the books you read.
The weeds in my garden are quite capable of choking out the desirable growth I wish to grow there.
It's easy for character defects to grow out of control if I'm not persistent in my efforts to work on them.
If I am vigorous and regular in my efforts to reduce the number of weeds in my garden, good plants will eventually overshadow most of the weeds.
It's possible for my assets to be more obvious than my flaws if I keep working at it.
Weeds left unattended for long periods are quite difficult to get rid of.
Longstanding defects of character will be the hardest ones to change.
Some weeds have roots which run deep. These require special treatment or they'll come back.
Some defects of character may trace back to my past. I may need to work on childhood issues to get rid of them.
There's no need to get rid of every single weed. Some of them are attractive or serve a useful purpose.
Easy does it! Be gentle in your judgement of yourself and others.
I'm unable to remove certain hard-to-eradicate weeds on my own; for these, I'll need help.
For some defects, I will need the help of God or of another human being.
Having weeds is nothing to be ashamed of: everybody has them!
Having defects does not separate me from the human race: it makes me part of it!
The thick tangle of undergrowth took years to develop, and it will not be gone overnight.
The process of spiritual growth will take years; in time, though, beautiful things will happen.
-Sue Roth

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Last Revised: June 13, 1999


THE END
 
Biographical Information

Dave & Sue have been married for 27 years. We don't have kids; we spoil Mindy (pictured with us here) and our 2 cats, Mega & Cotton. We're reformed Yankees: originally from Pennsylvania, we seceded to the South 21 years ago. We thought we'd stay for a year or two, but we got hooked.
Which reminds me of a joke:
Q: How are Yankees like hemorrhoids?
A: They're OK when they come down and go back up, but when they come down & stay down, they're a pain in the *%^&#.

Which leads to my next thought: I've been working on working on something & would love your help - see if you can come up with any extra suggestions for me! Check it out! Are YOU a Yankee?

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Personal Interests
This is our Labrador retriever, Mindy. She's been a joy. This picture was taken when she was a puppy. Mindy enjoys swimming, fetching, going for walks, and scouring the neighborhood for secret stores of food. She's done an excellent job at locating food sources, by the way.) She also enjoys greeting us with a mouth full of toys - the more toys the better. (Her personal best is 4 toys carried simultaneously.)
She was SO proud.

Both of us enjoy music. (We mean music, by the way - not stuff that sounds like a bull moose being tortured.) Dave enjoys WCPE (89.1 FM); Sue prefers WUNC (91.5, Go Tarheels). Sue recently started playing the piano the piano once again. She took piano lessons umpty-two years ago but "did not apply herself".

Sometimes it sounds like a bull moose is being tortured.

By the way... if you haven't listened to him before, try listening to John Michael Talbot. He's a contemporary Christian artist and his music is excellent. You can listen to a sampling of his music by searching www.amazon.com - search "popular music", enter "John Michael Talbot", click "The John Michael Talbot Collection", and select one of the links under "Listen to Samples".

Dave's rose garden...... A picture will be coming soon!

Sue's bulb garden..... A picture will be coming soon!

Both of us are active in our church. We're beginning to do eucharistic ministry to the sick. We attend St. Matthew Catholic Church in Durham, NC. St. Matthew doesn't have a website yet; here's the next best thing: http://www.raldioc.org/ (By the way - don't tell the bishop we said that.)

By the way, if you want to tap into an excellent library full of Christian classics, try the Christian Classics Ethereal Library site at http://ccel.wheaton.edu/

Dave is sponsoring a child through the Christian Foundation for Children and Aging. His name is Isaac Salen Bautista, and he lives in Quezon, BA, the Phillipines. If you'd be interested in being a sponsor, follow this link: http://www.cfcausa.org/

Sue's opposition to the death penalty is increasing. If you want to learn why, check these links:
People of Faith Against the Death Penalty: http://www.netpath.net/~ucch/pfadp/
Death Penalty Information Center: http://www.essential.org/dpic/whatsnew.html
If you would like to correspond with an inmate, you may contact LifeLines, 96 Fallowfield, Cambridge CB4 1PF, England or email [email protected]

Work Information

Dave works in marketing at Nortel
At least he says he works in marketing. To Sue, it sounds like he works with computers. Follow the link to learn more about what Nortel does: http://www.nortelnetworks.com/index.html

Sue works in Duke University Medical Center's Adult Bone Marrow/Stem Cell Transplant Unit
After over 25 years in surgical nursing, Sue recently "jumped ship" to work in a new field. Most of our patients have some form of cancer. We give high-dose chemotherapy in hopes of wiping out all residual cancer cells. This wipes out the bone marrow, which is needed to produce red & white blood cells & platelets. To "rescue" the marrow, the patient then receives a transplant of bone marrow, stem cells, or umbilical cord blood. Here's some information about our program: http://www.canctr.mc.duke.edu/BMT/ - check it out. We're working on trying to develop a webpage from a nursing perspective - we'll let you know when it's up & running!
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Favourite links
 

A terrific search engine
A great search engine


The Weather Underground
Check the weather anywhere, any time


TransWeb: All about transplantation and donation
Time for a commercial: Please consider organ donation

Email me at:
[email protected]

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